(Kelly, this is a "woe is me" story, which I know you hate, but bear with it and maybe provide insight.)
I've been having an identity crisis for some time now and have racked my brain on when things went arye and where my daily motivation fell short. I can name several things and speculate on others, but one thing's for sure, it ain't here. To help in my search and hopefully bring enlightenment, I started re-growing my infamous goatee circa 1996; hated by many, adored by few, loved by me. This was a physical characteristic I had when life was happier. So, let's backlog a little.....
Once I was defined by breakdancing, leading a posse that everyone knew, being layed back and having a great sense of humor, and having a vast knowledge of rap music and a collection to support it. Since then, I've been reduced to an overworked and overstressed corporate drone who has become complacent with an unsatisfying life. I'm only 32, but feel 50. Granted, I still have a hip-hop database the size of Jupiter, and now a DVD collection to match, but this doesn't seem to make up for the unhappiness. Yea, we all grow up and have to realize our priorities, but where's the fine line between satisfied and acceptance? Maybe it's the choices I've made, maybe I'm a product of my environment, maybe I run away from everything and everyone that gets close, but the question still remains, where'd I loose Me?
College graduation, yea, time to face the real world and pay my dues. This is where my reality started to slip away. I moved around several times the first few years after college while working for K-Mart, but still maintained a sense of self. I met lots of people and had a steady girlfriend (Tabatha), but still kept strong ties to my hometown of Springfield, MO which is where my true friend-base was. I then went to work for Hastings and did a short stint in Jeff City, MO and then onto Hutchinson, KS where my reality began to shift. My first real job where I call the shots, take all the ass chewings, and somehow lose my identity in the process. My once steady friend-base back home started dwindling. Rich was forced to move to Canada, Brad struggled with drugs, Will chose to go on hiatas and never speak to me again, Misty got pregnant, Kembra got married and moved out-of-state, and Lisa changed.
The growing pains of realizing the position I was in, the authority I had, and the image I must portray soon became reality. I could no longer publically act a fool in fear of what the perception would be and who was watching. Shortly after being here, Tabatha and I broke-up and I met Heather, a girl with lots of love to give, but life experiences to learn. She had been dumped by her fiance and had a lot of wildness to get out. So, we hung out and eventually became a couple. It was tough with the age difference because the things she wanted to do at age 21, I'd already done. Our relationship had quite a few ups and downs and after 5 years together, she recently decided to end it. Plenty of fingers can be pointed and there's a lot of heartache and pain, but only time will tell what the true outcome will be and I don't regret any of the time we were together.
I keep thinking that a few beers, a little dancing, and good company will bring back a little piece of me, but still I remain guarded, push people away (sorry Mom), have a hardened heart, and live day-to-day rather than plan ahead. I once told Tabatha, "I'm goin to the top, are you comin with me?" yet now I've settled or just accepted where I am. This wouldn't be a bad thing if I plan to reside here forever, which Heather is convinced, but I'm not happy here, in Springfield, or anywhere else. I believe Kansas is where I lost my identity.
Now, going on 6 years later, I have to ask, how do I get Me back? Maybe the first step is the goatee, maybe it's getting out of this town and/or job, maybe it was the relationship, or a combination of many, but somehow, someway I gotta find my happiness again.
I envy my brother for living life, traveling, and having a life plan. Maybe I don't get too attached to people in fear that I'll get hurt like I have in the past. It's easier to have people around to satisfy needs and for companionship, but not rely on them to be there long term. As I look at the people in my life, the ones I can truly depend on most are my family. In my experience, friends can be relied on to be unreliable. There are some great people in this town who truly care, Buddy and Brenda (Heather's parents), and maybe a few others, but I guess I believe that the less I give of myself, the better off we'll be, because if we do part ways, there will be less feeling to let go. I'm just tired of giving so much of myself and receiving less in return. So, I guess I just give enough to get by, but not enough to get hurt. But, something or someone has to break me of this, otherwise I may never find true happiness.
I tend to reminisce and hold onto my past because those were much happier times, which unfortunately, I cannot get back. But, I need to find happiness in the present, without settling for less than what I want or deserve. So, today starts that journey, and I'm sure my past will help guide me and maybe even become another part of a new chapter in my continued search for self.
